Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
