My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You took a bar mat shot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
