what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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