I can tuck mytits in my pants
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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