Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
