Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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