Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
