i need an iv and a liver transplant
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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