When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
