My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
