I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
