Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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