Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
