and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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