How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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