So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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