i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
