if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
