Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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