Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i will never coherently bang her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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