i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
