Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
