So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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