Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize