I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
