I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
