nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
