the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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