Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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