Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
