she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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