I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
