you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
