I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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