Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
