I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
