I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
