Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
