your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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