i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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