I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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