So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
