that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
