They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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