Pappa wants mamma naked
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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