Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize