Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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