Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
