bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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