Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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