There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
