he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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