remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
