im drinking this country out of the recession.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
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she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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